Thursday, July 29, 2010

We Need This Like We Need Another Fucking Hole In The Head!!!

Long Island Lolita, Amy Fisher, has finalized a deal with Dreamzone Entertainment to star in four adult films before the end of 2011.

I guess it's only fair turn-around that someone finally gets to shoot Amy Fisher in the face!

FYI... For those of you who may not get these jokes, Amy Fisher was convicted in 1992 for shooting Joey Buttafuoco's wife, Mary Anne, in the face.

Here, watch! It's hysterical!

Oh, and a little side-note... Amy Fisher is now a mother of 3! Yeah... I said, "a mother of 3."

Is Lady Gaga Involved In A Case of International Espionage!?!

Private First Class, Bradley Manning is currently awaiting court martial for being responsible for one of the biggest leaks in US military history.

Bradley Manning, a 22-year-old US intelligence analyst stationed on a base near Baghdad, has been accused of leaking more than 850,000 pages of secret military documents to a whistleblower website, Wikileaks. These secret military documents were then made public to any and all US enemies over the Internet.

Manning claims he collected the secret information by pretending to listen to Lady Gaga CDs. He pretended to lip sync and hum along while he transferred the thousands of documents onto blank discs that were labeled "Lady Gaga Music."

When asked for comment, military officials stated that they, indeed, were not able to read his "pa-pa-pa-pa-poker face."

You know, this incident only further supports my stance on The "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" Policy. If that had been a gay sitting at his computer claiming to be listening and singing along to Lady Gaga, you can damn well be sure that HE WAS LISTENING AND SINGING ALONG TO LADY GAGA!!! He probably would have also danced around a little, and our national secrets would be safe right now, citizens! Serves you right, America! Serves you fucking right!

The 2010 "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" Award

Oksana Could Learn A Thing Or Two From Florence Jean Castleberry!!!

What would Flo tell Mel if he yelled that her boobies were big? Or if he felt she was too friendly with a gardner? Or if he wanted a blowjob in the hot tub?

Oksana, always look to classic 1970s television as your guide.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Obama Finally Addresses The Nation's Most Annoying Public Nuisance... Elisabeth Hasselbeck!

Guess who's dropping by to chat it up with the ladies from "The View"? Well, isn't it obvious? It's our Commander in Chief, Barack Obama.

Although several have made appearances on late night television, Obama will go down in history as the first sitting president to have ever appeared on a daytime talk show. Good get, Barbwa!

He will be appearing on Thursday's episode... probably in between a 10-year-old tight rope walker and a man who makes flower arrangements from fruit. Barbwa will also be in attendance, her first since her heart surgery in May.

He plans on discussing the oil spill in the Gulf and what's really being done about our struggling economy.

Oooooh... I bet Hasselbeck is simply twitching in anticipation!

How fabulous would it be to see a split-screen argument between Obama and Hasselbeck, much like that of the Rosie vs. Elisabeth split-screen.

This truly could be our opportunity to get rid of her! Barbwa's not going to put up with a "Survivor" contestant disrespecting our nation's leader. Well... maybe if she had won... but she didn't even win, for Christ's sake!

I hope that whore isn't all well-behaved and quiet like she is when Michelle co-hosts. I want to see a smack-down... which ultimately results in Hasselbeck's termination, of course... but I definitely need an Obama/Hasselbeck smack-down in my life!

Uuurrrgh! As much as I hate "The View," I guess I have to watch. Or maybe, I'll just catch the highlights with Joel McHale on "Talk Soup" later that evening. Nah, even if there's no actual smack-down (sigh), I have to experience the uncomfortable tension for myself. I have to watch as Hasselbeck struggles to hold her tongue while Barbwa leers from across the table.

How much you want to bet that Whoopi asks the Prez something about medicinal marijuana? Then, they'll exchange that look that only black people can do. Just sayin'...

Jesus Says, "Shhhhhh."

The Vatican Press recently published a children's book penned by none other than Pope Benedict XVI, himself! It's called Gli Amici di Gesu (The Friends of Jesus); and it's all about how little boys and girls who want to get into heaven need to learn to keep their big, fucking mouths shut!

Wonder if it's going to make Oprah's Book Club?

Just When I Thought Today Was Going To Be Boring!

What the hell are you doing just sitting at home!?! You can watch that episode of "Golden Girls" any ol' time! I'll even tell you how it ends... Sophia calls Blanche a slut, and Dorothy calls Rose a moron. Then, there's cheesecake! Now, with that out the way... It's time to act!!! It's time to take to the streets and demonstrate about something that really matters!

There is a "Free Lindsay" rally happening right now on 7th Avenue in New York City! Right now!!! Gas up the SUV!!! Or SVU!... I always get the two confused.

Guess they had to squeeze one in, you know, since she's going to be out in 3 to 4 days.

And get this! It's being orchestrated by her tanning salon! Her tanning salon! Yes, James Oliver of The Beach Bum Tanning Salon is protesting the incarceration of our darling, little Lilo. He's very concerned that she will lose her base while behind bars.

OMG! Please, please, please, let there be a press conference! If there's anyone that can eloquently articulate matters of great injustice, it's lispy, orange faggots and slutty sorority girls who smell like frying bacon. Melanoma makes one nothing if not smart!

Seriously, one televised interview with this guy, and I'll have enough material for an entire week's worth of posts!

Hurry! The first 25 people carrying a "Free Lindsay" sign gets a free butterfly tanning sticker!!!

Monday, July 26, 2010

Wouldn't This Technically Be Considered A Hate-Crime?

Uh oh, violence has made its way into Camp Jolie-Pitt. Perhaps, Angelina should consider doing a romantic comedy next time.

My Prayers Have Been Answered!!!

YES!!! There's hope for that sequel to Sydney White yet!!! Or... oh, I need to take a moment... SHE'S THE MAN PART FREAKIN' 2!!!!

Dawson's Creek Fanfiction!?! Well, It's About Freakin' Time!!!

Batman and a Stormtrooper reported a small gathering on the lawn outside of Comic-Con this year. Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No! It's Dawson's Creek's Joshua Jackson!

Joshua Jackson, obviously bored talking about that stupid show "Fringe," took to the front lawn of Comic-Con to kick-off the first annual gathering of Pacey-Con!

Mr. Jackson kicked off 2010's Pacey-Con by playing Paula Cole's "I don't wanna wait..." from a boom box while selling volumes of Dawson's Creek fanfiction written by... wait for it... Joshua Jackson, himself.

FINALLY!!! Some Dawson's Creek fanfiction!!! It's like Ghostbusters 3. You hear rumors that it's coming, but you just don't know!

He even read excerpts over a megaphone!

Oh, Pacey, it's so nice to have you back! No one cares about your new little X-files knock-off! We want the days of The Creek back!... back when things were sweet and innocent and Katie Holmes wasn't being held against her will by the Church of Scientology. Oh the days, the days...

Thanks, Pacey. I'll be looking forward to The Skulls-Con next year.

OMG! This Just In... There Were Attractive People At Comic-Con This Year!!!

This is Garrett Hedlund. He was there promoting his upcoming film, Tron: Legacy.

It's about light-up bicycles or something... I'm not really sure... But by the looks of things, I'll definitely be seeing it.

Does The Carpeting Match The Greasy, Nasty Drapes!?!

I'm sure you've all seen the photos of Britney's bad hair day from last week.

Doesn't it make you wonder what her pubes look like? Seriously! With that rats' nest like that on top of her head, you just know she ain't minding the upkeep on her vajayjay! Just sayin'...

This post is brought to you by hair products for dirty people...

Is anyone else impressed by the fact that she's actually wearing a bra in these photos? Baby steps, Britney, baby steps.

The Other Inmates Just Can't Stop Talking About Lilo's Crotch!

You know, I got up this morning and turned it to CNN. I heard all about the captured sailor in Afghanistan and the resigning CEO of BP... both very important current events... but my mind kept wandering to, "I wonder how my little Lilo's doing this morning."

Well... I've never been one to gossip... but...

It seems that little Lilo has had a rough few days. The other inmates kept yelling, "Firecrotch!" over and over and over again until Lindsay had what sources can only describe as a minor breakdown. She apparently had a hysterical fit, crying and yelling until she was eventually put in isolation. I guess the tantrum was so bad that a medical examiner was called in to examine self-inflicted scratches all up and down her arms.

All this because they you called "Firecrotch"!?! Shiiiiiiit... I was called worse than that on my way home from work this morning. Let's see. I was called "asshole, jack-off, dickhead, shit-for-brains, a fucking lunatic"... You know, maybe my driver's ed teacher was right. Maybe, I should look before changing lanes. Oh, well...

Oh, Lindsay, hang in there. You only have a few more days. Just keep in mind those poignant lessons you learned from the filming of "Mean Girls." Come the end of the week, you'll never have to face that cell block of Regina Georges ever again!

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Thank you for being a friend, Estelle Getty!

Ok, so if you're not a "Golden Girls" fan, you should probably not bother to read the blog today... You should probably also throw yourself off a cliff into a bubbling volcano!!! Not like "The Golden Girls"!?! C'mon! Everyone loves "The Golden Girls"!!!

Today would have been Estelle Getty's 87th birthday. She unfortunately died on July 22nd 2008, just 3 days shy of her 85th birthday, making her the first of "The Golden Girls" to pass.

For you historians out there, two years ago today in memoriam of Estelle Lifetime ran an 8-hour marathon on what would have been her 85th birthday. Fans voted online for their favorite "Sophia" episodes. "Old Friends," the episode in which Sophia befriends an elderly man on the boardwalk with Alzheimer's, came out as the fan favorite. Sort of ironic, isn't it? She actually passed away from Lewy body dementia, but had been misdiagnosed with Parkinson's and Alzheimer's for years.

Most of us can quote the wisecracks of Sophia Petrillo in our sleep. But in honor of her birthday, I thought I'd share some other cool facts about Estelle Getty... There are many...

1.) Being a childhood fan of vaudeville, Estelle Getty began as a stand-up comedienne on the Catskills "borscht belt" circuit in upstate New York in the 40s. However, at the time, it was virtually unheard of for a woman to be a stand-up, so she gave it up to become a secretary and part-time actress. Although she wasn't exactly successful at it, she was one of the first female stand-ups ever.

2.) After World War II, she gave up professional acting in order to marry New York businessman, Arthur Gettleman (thus giving her the stage name, Getty... her maiden name is actually Scher), and raised 2 boys, Carl and Barry. She continued to work as a secretary and occasionally performed in community productions.

3.) She befriended playwright and actor, Harvey Fierstein, who wrote the part of the mother in "Torch Song Trilogy" specifically for Estelle. After her children were grown, she took on the role and won The Helen Hayes Award in 1982 for her performance.

4.) While performing in "Torch Song" on Broadway, she constantly feared that the show would close and she'd never find work again. So, she continued spending her days as a secretary right up until the show went out on tour.

5.) Estelle auditioned for the part of Sophia Petrillo while on tour in L.A. with "Torch Song Trilogy" and became the first of "The Golden Girls" to be cast.

6.) Sophia had originally been written in one episode; however, producers liked her so much that they almost immediately re-designed the cast in order to make room for her. In other words, they replaced Coco, the gay chef, with Sophia believing that the show only had room for one wise-ass.

7.) Estelle was 14 months younger than her TV daughter, Bea Arthur. She was often mistakenly referred to as the youngest Golden Girl, but the youngest was actually Rue McClanahan.

8.) Estelle won the 1988 Emmy Award for Outstanding Supporting Actress.

9.) After family and friends could no longer care for him, Estelle took in her 29-year-old nephew, Steven Scher, who was dying from AIDS and cared for him until his death in 1992, the same year "The Golden Girls" went off the air.

10.) After winning both an Emmy and a Golden Globe for "The Golden Girls," Estelle won a Worst Supporting Actress Razzie Award for Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot!, a film in which she played Sylvester Stallone's mother, in 1993.

And yes, that is a hand-signed photo; and yes, it is mine.

I, also, own this hat that she wore on "The Golden Girls"...

I wore it around the house the day she died.

11.) Estelle played Sophia Petrillo on 5 different sitcoms, "The Golden Girls, Empty Nest, Nurses, Blossom and The Golden Palace."

12.) Estelle only stood 4'10 1/2" inches tall!

Ok, now let's enjoy some classic Estelle clips...

R.I.P., My Golden Friend. And Happy Birthday.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Jennifer Anniston Finally Found Someone Who Is Willing To Marry Her!!!

After being tipped-off by a very concerned father, Police arrested a 24-year-old, Joseph Peyton, while stalking around Jennifer Anniston's Hollywood Hills home last week.

The man traveled from Pennsylvania to California in attempts to kidnap and marry Jennifer Anniston. He was found in his car with sharp objects, duct tape, a love note to Anniston and a list of baby names. His car had "I love you, Jennifer Anniston" keyed into the trunk and side of it. Stealth, Joseph... very stealth!

Joseph has been institutionalized for similar behavior in the past and recently stopped taking his medication.

According to his blog, he believes that he is related to Oprah, Jay-Z, J-Lo, Bill Gates, Courtney Cox and Donald Trump. Donald Trump!?! He wants to be related to Donald Trump!?! He's a fuckin' nut!

Jennifer Anniston got a restraining order that prevents Peyton from coming within 100 yards of her, her home, her place of business and her managers.

What!?! Jenn, Jenn, Jenn... You finally found one that is willing to marry you, and you get a restraining order!?! He even picked out baby names!!! You're no spring chicken anymore, lady! You've got to seize these opportunities before your cow runs out of milk. (I don't know. I've never really understood that expression either.) This upcoming generation has no idea who Rachel Green even is!

After all, he can't be any worse than John Mayer!!!

A Little Blasphemy? Sure! But Even I Won't Fuck With The "Star Wars" Enthusiasts!

It's Day 2 of Comic-Con in San Diego! In other words, San Diego has more virgins within its borders than the entire state of Utah right now. But members of The Westboro Baptist Church still feel a need to protest the annual SciFi gathering.

Fred Phelps and his clan of fag-haters showed up at the convention yesterday yielding signs that read, "God Hates You!... God Hates Fags!... God Hates Idol Worship!"... yadda, yadda, yadda. However, they were met by Trekkies, Wookies, Droids, Superheroes, Stormtroopers carrying signs that read, "Comic-Con is Love!... God Hates Trekkies... Fags Are Sexy!" The Syfy enthusiasts were also chanting, "What do we want? Gay sex! When do we want it? Now!"

Ahahahahaha! A counter-protest by Stormtroopers and Superheroes? Now, that's freakin' hysterical!

I've said this repeatedly. I will talk shit about a lot of people... Jews, Mormons, midgets, queers, Republicans, Scientologists... but even I won't fuck with the "Star Wars" enthusiasts! Those people are committed!

In case anyone would like to personally chat with Mr. Phelps or any of his followers, here are a few numbers...

(785) 273-0325 – Fred W. Phelps Sr., cell phone
(785) 272-4135 – Fred Phelps, Jr.
(785) 273-0529 – Benjamin Phelps
(785) 273-0277 & (785) 273-1080 – Shirley Roper
(785) 272-8559 – Charles Hockenbarger
(785) 232-2485 – Fax for Charles Hockenbarger
(785) 233-4162 – Phelps Family Law Office
(785) 233-0766 – Fax for Phelps Family Law Office
(785) 969-9017 – Steve Drain

I believe a few of them are out of service. But they are legit, and most of them are still in service.

Somebody please call Fred Phelps and ask for "Amanda... Amanda Hugginkiss." Ahahahahaha! You can never go wrong with the classics.

Democrats Say The Darndest Things! And Republicans Don't Laugh!

Kathy Griffin says she is "in heaven" this week. She's been featured on every news network, called scum on "The View," vilified on FOX; and last night, she dropped by "The Joy Behar Show" to gloat about it all.

On last week's episode of "My Life on the D-List," Kathy went to Washington to lead a protest against the Don't Ask, Don't Tell Policy. I don't know how much good it did. C'mon. How many law makers are actually influenced by "My Life on the D-List"? But it certainly made for a great episode, and it even stirred up a bit of publicity for our favorite fag hag comedienne.

While being prepped for her tour of Washington, Kathy made a joke about Senator Scott Brown... well, actually Scott Brown's daughters. She jokingly called them prostitutes. Here, take a look...

Obviously, a joke, right!?!

Well, Scott Brown and various Republican pundits were outraged. Really!?! Over that? Has it really come this? Republicans just have absolutely no sense of humor!?!

The day after the episode aired, the ladies on "The View" had a few things to say about the incident, especially Elisabeth Hasselbeck...

Do you remember when Whoopi Goldberg was likeable and funny? Elisabeth Hasselbeck has always been a rancid bitch... Seriously, she's never been funny or likeable in any possible way. Cancer take her now!... But "The View" is so fucking annoying that it's even made me hate Sister Mary Clarence!

Also, did anyone else notice that the disclaimer was missing from the clip shown on "The View"? The disclaimer was also missing when the clip was shown on "Bill O'Reilly" as well. Interesting.

But Kathy is taking it all in stride... Ok, she's actually reveling in it!

"Yes, whenever a statement is issued against me, I'm in heaven, I feel my next special is half written for me, and then I get to read statements aloud in my live shows, which you can go to and see the many, many cities I've picked up for my current tour."

Here's a bit of the transcript from "The Joy Behar Show" last night...

JOY BEHAR: Now, you got in some trouble for your own, on your own-

KATHY GRIFFIN: I love it. Yes.

BEHAR: -over something you said on a recent episode of My Life on the D List.

BEHAR: Okay, now whose idea was the disclaimer?

GRIFFIN: Gee, I wonder, Bravo Legal?

BEHAR: But that was you. Wasn’t that your voice?

GRIFFIN: Well, I loved doing the voice over. The voice over is hysterical, in my opinion, and Emmy-worthy. Look, here’s the deal. The genesis of the joke, like, does anybody remember that the night he was elected, he made a joke – he was clearly making a joke – saying, "By the way, my daughters are available." And then, the Washington press beat up on him saying he was pimping out his daughters. So, on My Life on the D List, we actually had some real, you know, Washington insiders showing me, like, 15 pictures of people on the Hill, et cetera, and my joke was I didn’t know who they were. So they showed me a picture of Sonia Sotomayor, and I say, "Oh, the maid from Will and Grace." There’s the joke. Then they show me Scott Brown, and I go, "His daughters are prostitutes," meaning, like, word association. So people got their panties in a bunch-

I thought it was funny. I actually thought calling Sonia Sotomayor "the maid from will & Grace" was brilliant! Ahahahaha!

I don't see what everyone is getting so worked up about. Perhaps, one should develop a thicker skin before entering politics... or perhaps, a sense of humor.

After all, it was only short time ago when the same outraged media personalities were attacking Scott Brown for his pictorial from Cosmopolitan Magazine.

Anyone remember this?

I laughed.

I really think Elisabeth's comments were fueled by a verbal confrontation that she and Kathy had earlier this summer on "The View."

Kathy has been making the rounds on talk shows discussing what is being referred to as "The Kathy/Elisabeth Smack-Down."

I can't lie. I still watch it AT LEAST once a day.

I'm glad that this incident is working in Kathy's favor. It's been a great season of "D-List." And I'm sure she's gathering enough controversy for a second book.

Hustler's Untrue Hollywood Stories' Next Installment!!!

Porn star, Scarlett Fay, says she is thrilled to play Lindsay Lohan once again. Scarlett portrayed Lohan in Hustler's Untrue Hollywood Stories: Lindsay Lohan and is reprising her role in Hustler's Untrue Hollywood Stories: Lindsay Goes to Jail.

After filming her scene in which Lindsay has sex with a prison guard, Scarlett said, "Getting to be Lindsay for a day is awesome. I love channeling my inner train wreck."

Does anyone else find it a little sad that even porn stars are referring to Lilo as a "train wreck"?

Rob Smith, Director of Operations for Hustler, was asked what he thought Lindsay's reaction might be to the project. He suggested that she visit the studio in order to research her role in the upcoming Linda Lovelace film. "I encourage Lindsay to come on set for a day and see how it really goes down."

Oh, something tells me that Lindsay knows how it "goes down."

In case anyone is interested, here is a link to the Hustler site on which the trailer is featured. The acting is superb... right up there with "Wizards of Waverly Place."

WARNING: There are boobies!

Harry Potter Drinks The Goblet of Fire!

You know, somehow it warms the cockles of my cold, little heart to know that childhood idol, Harry Potter, is somewhere in the world getting absolutely shit-canned right now!

Guess who turned 21 today!?! That's right... it's wand wielding sorcerer, Daniel Radcliffe! Happy Birthday, Harry!

Please, please, please... Someone... Anyone... Please, take a Sharpie and draw a lightning bolt on his forehead after he passes out!

And maybe, if there's time, write "Ron Weasley's penis wuz here!" on his cheek. Fucking Classic!

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Glenn Beck Whacks Off Too Much!

My mother always told me, "You'll go blind from doing that too much!" So, naturally I put away my penis and continued with the Sunday School lesson.

Glenn Beck obviously did not follow suit.

On Saturday, he confessed to 6,000 of his fans during his American Revival Tour that he very well may be blind by the end of the year. He has been diagnosed with macular dystrophy, a rare genetic condition, which causes vision loss and tends to get worse with time.

Is Karma spelled with a "K" or a "C"? I may need it for my next paragraph.

During his announcement, Beck's deteriorating eyes welled with tears and his voice quivered as he said, "Lord if you need my eyes, they're yours!" I literally spit orange juice on my computer screen when I read this! Don't judge me! I never claimed to be a good person!

Ooooh, this macular dystrophy sounds expensive! Wonder how the fucker feels about health care reform now? And do they make blind accessible chalkboards?

Hey, Beck, try to cut back on jerking your pole to that fitness magazine featuring Sarah Palin in her scivvies, and your retinas might hold out a few more years. Just some friendly advice from a godless, liberal lunatic!

It appears that the universe is settling some scores. Now, I expect to hear that Rush Limbaugh is crippled from a combination of ringworm and lupus over the next few days.

It's Day 2 for our brave, little soldier!

Did anyone else spend the entire evening craving chicken tetrazzini? Anyway...

Sources say that our little Lilo is handling her first few hours in the pokey extremely well. They say she's been "polite, compliant and responsive." She hasn't even cried!

Officials even say that if her good behavior continues she'll be out by the end of the month. Lynwood is extremely over-crowded, so it's most likely she'll only end up serving 13 to 14 days of her 90 day sentence.

Ooooh, but that report came only hours after her incarceration. Keep in mind that Lynwood is a smoke-free facility. How polite and compliant is she going to be after her first nicotine fit?

I have a plan...

I've gotten hold of Lindsay's address at Lynwood. We'll just send her some Nicorette gum or even one of those electronic, vapor cigarettes that are out now. C'mon readers, it's time to help out America's favorite crackwhore! (Sorry, Robert Downey Jr.)

Lindsay Lohan #2409752
Century Regional Detention Facility
11705 S. Alameda Street
Lynwood, CA 90262

Don't worry, Lilo. We'll get you through this! Don't let the man hold you down!

And besides, I need her out as soon as possible. I mean, what else am I supposed to write about for the next 13 days? It can't all be put on Mel's shoulders! He can only think of so many stupid things to say in a single day! Though, I'm sure he'll try his damndest.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Look At Who's Having Chicken Tetrazzini Tonight!?! (And possibly some lesbian rape...)

It really happened! I'm still in shock! It really happened! Lilo is in the pokey!... only for 23 days according to Cougar Judge Marsha... but still, she went! Look! There's pictures and video footage and everything! If it's on TMZ, you know it's true!

I really thought she'd run for Switzerland, or Shapiro would pull out some "If the glove don't fit, then you must aquit!" kind of magic. I really thought there was something behind to his late-night resignation last night.

But no, Lindsay just sneered at the judge and took her lumps like a big girl. She didn't even cry!!! (I admit I was a little disappointed.)

Judge Marsha made the press turn off their cameras, so Michael Lohan had no reason to act like a total freak while Lindsay was being carted away.

I would just like to point out all of my favorite parts of this morning though...

Here's Lindsay entering the courtroom... sort of uneventful... UNTIL someone throws confetti! Ahahahahaha! Fuckin' Confetti!!!

It's her party, and she'll cry if she wants to! BUT SHE DIDN'T!!!

Here is a picture of Lilo as Judge Marsha is giving final instructions before Lindsay is taken into custody. Just look at how sassy little Lilo got! Mmmmm, Hmmmm. Where's your "Fuck U" nail now, Sassy?

Now, let's have a look at the headshots... I mean, mugshots. Lindsay has gotten good at this whole being a celebrity criminal thing over the years. She's gone from looking like a complete crackwhore to her sassy-sorority-girl-on-the-town look. She knows this photo is going to be everywhere for the next few years, and she came prepared. I bet she even hired a make-up artist.

Let's take a look at how she's changed over the years.

JULY 2007


JULY 2010

Yep! That one's definitely my favorite. The sassy smirk just sets it off.

And here is that little cougar, Judge Marsha Revel, giving her final instructions. Look! Not even one tear!!! What kind of bullshit is that!!!

Then, buzz-kill Marsha made the press turn off all cameras... but I still got hold of a few photos...

Oh, what a day! I need a nap now.

I hear Lindsay is having chicken tetrazzini, a strip-search and possibly some lesbian rape for dinner this evening.

I'll be having a bowl of cereal and watching the newest "My Life on the D-List."

Ahhh, good evening for all.

Whoopi Goldberg had to get stoned in order to put up with Hasselbeck's bag of bullshit yesterday!

Ok, ok, so that's not exactly what happened. But Whoopi Goldberg did show up to "The View" yesterday stoned off her bazombas.

Well, C'mon, what do you expect from someone who has been sporting dreads for the past 30 years!?!

Whoopi apparently doesn't like to fly and admitted to still feeling the effects of her sedatives.

Yeeeaaaahhh and Paula Abdul slurs her words due to her allergy medication.

Who do you think you're fooling, Sister Mary Clarence? I watch "Weeds." I know what's up! Once it requires a roach clip or a bong, I don't think you can technically call it a "sedative."

Personally, I enjoyed it. I think all of the ladies should show up toked out of their minds a few days a week. Perhaps, I could stand to listen to Hasselbeck's bag of bullshit if she slurred a little more.

The show would go from sounding like a pen full of chickens bickering back and forth to, "Whooooaaaa, man, that's deep. Wait! What?" I imagine a more politically motivated "Beavis & Butthead" of sorts.

Hasselbeck would narc. Joy would get all paranoid. And Sherri would find snacks... Somehow, she would get snacks.

I would watch that show EVERY DAY!

Here, take a look, and see what you think...

Oooooh! We're Down To Doom's Day On The Lindsay Lohan Countdown!

Ooooh! It's Day 0 on the Lohan Countdown, my Gloryhole Readers!!! And I have a feeling it's going to get good!

Our little crackhead is supposed to surrender herself this morning at The Beverly Hills Courthouse!

BUT!!!! Robert Shapiro agreed to represent Lilo only if she agreed to comply with all court orders... including serving her sentence.

It's been reported that Robert Shapiro resigned as Lindsay's lawyer yesterday evening.

What the hell happened overnight!?!

Hmmmm... You think Cokey is going to make a run for it?

I can't wait! I can't wait!

No matter what happens, readers, you can be sure that I'll be tuned into E! Television for the entire day!

Monday, July 19, 2010

Happy Birthday, Queen of Mean!!!

"I've blown more black guys than Hurricane Katrina" --Lisa Lampanelli

All hail the Queen of Mean, insult-comic, Lisa Lampanelli! She turns 49 today!

Go ahead! Drop off a few tubs of Cocoa Butter at the local county jail in honor of our girl!

Happy Birthday, Lisa!

Hey, Paris! It's 420 somwhere!!!

On Friday, bloggers and various celebrity gossip sites nearly broke their asses trying to be the first to report that Paris Hilton was detained for questioning at The Figari Airport in Corsica. Reports claimed that an airport drug-dog detected marijuana in one of her bags... one of her many, many, many bags.

Sure, this information comes from unconfirmed sources. In fact, I personally read it on a gossip site that was featuring a story about a woman who had sex with a man in exchange for her hair weave that particular day. Sure, it may not exactly measure up to the journalistic integrity The Huffington Post, but it's good enough for me!

Sources say that she was questioned for approximately 30 minutes, but due to the minuscule amount of pot, she was let go without even a stern lecture.

Paris, of course, denies the entire incident even happened. But I believe it! She has to smoking something. That level of sheer retardation simply can not be natural!

I know I'll be referencing this incident the next time I'm thrown out of a Hilton lobby for smoking some herb out of a homemade apple pipe.

Worst Phone Conversationalist Of The Year Is Fleeing Down Under!

America's sweetheart, Mel Gibson recently sold his New York mansion for millions less than its market value earlier this month; and he has been reported to have put his Malibu home on the market earlier this week. Upon the advice of his ex-wife, Robyn, he is leaving the U.S. and moving back to his boyhood home of Sydney, Australia.

What!?! Braveheart is leaving the U.S. of A.!?! I don’t think I want to live in a country without ol’ Sugartits!

So, he got drunk, said a few racist things, demanded a blow job and punched a baby… (allegedly)… Who the hell hasn’t? I do worse than that on my Monday afternoon benders at the Ladies’ Auxiliary BINGO Luncheon!

Say what you will, but that big-tittied Russian is one crafty bitch! How in the heck did we ever win The Cold War against these people? She forced Mad Max… Mad Freakin’ Max… out of the country with nothing more than a cell phone! She saved those messages for months before leaking them to the press! Hell, I can’t even figure out how to change my outgoing message! But that woman… that woman is shifty!

Mel, Mel, Mel… How I will miss your antics! To think, you will spend your days punching wallabies and verbally abusing koalas, and no one will be there to get it on tape. What a waste of good material! I just hope you have cell phone reception there in the Outback!

Keep in touch.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Fist Pumping All The Way To The Unemployment Line!!!

Cast members of MTV's "Jersey Shore" were supposed to begin filming scenes for the 3rd season today. However, when crew members showed up at their doors, JWow, Vinny, Ronnie, Sleepy, Happy and Doc all refused to shoot scenes until they received more lucrative contracts.

If you remember, MTV once considered re-casting the entire show for its 3rd season. So, is this really a wise move on the part of everyone's favorite little guidos and guidettes?

Snooki, Sitch... Valtrex and tanning packages are not cheap!!! And you're not exactly employable outside of MTV reality television! What are you going to do if MTV decides to ax the series altogether? "Celebrity Rehab" has already been cast for this season!

Is Snooki going to become a manicurist? Is the Sitch going to become a bouncer?

You know, this is just the beginning of some very ho-hum careers in amateur porn. Yep, get ready to see The Situation bareback some wide-eyed twink and Snooki break her Bumpit over some Italian Stallion's headboard!

Sure, their "shocking and exclusive" sex videos will headline Radar Online for about a week; but then, they'll dissipate among the reality stars of yesteryear.

I'll miss you, Dagos. I'll think of you every time I drink a bottle of Everclear and fist bump to a generically familar 90s song. But I shan't mourn too long; I'm sure I'll see you at some local county fair really soon.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Oh, It is indeed a Hofftastic Day!!!

Whatever you do... Don't Hassel the Hoff today! It's his 58th birthday!!!

Here's his Hoff the hook performance from "America's Got Talent" earlier this year!

Seriously, this is even funnier than the drunk video in which he was eating a hamburger off the bathroom floor!

3 Days Until Hell Freezes Over!!!

3 days, readers! 3 days until Lindsay Lohan gets locked up in the pokey! Oooh, the anticipation!!!

Lindsay Lohan is to begin serving a 90-day jail sentence on July 20 for violating the terms of her probation on drunk driving charges by failing to attend several court-ordered alcohol education classes.

She has hired celebrity lawyer, Robert Shapiro, as her new legal council. Remember him? He was part of the dream team that defended O.J. Simpson.

Shapiro was reported on Friday as saying that Lindsay will report to jail as ordered by Judge Marsha Revel. What!?! This guy can get O.J. off for killing his wife but can't even stall the incarceration of our little Lilo!?! Are you freakin' kidding me?

I have a sneaky suspicion these two have something up their litigious sleeves! But I don't know...

Shapiro's son, Brent, died in 2005 due to a combination of drinking alcohol and taking the drug, Ecstasy. Since then, Shapiro has been dedicated himself to helping others overcome their own addiction problems.

"Ms. Lohan is suffering from a disease that I am all too familiar with... I have agreed to represent Ms. Lohan on the condition she comply with the terms of probation, including a requirement of jail imposed by Judge Marsha Revel," Shapiro said in a statement on Friday.

Shapiro could easily become the greatest influence of Lilo's life! (Sorry, Sam.) His family started the Brent Shapiro Foundation as well as the Pickford Lofts Sober Living Facility in Los Angeles. Lindsay checked into Pickford Lofts earlier this week where she is still living and attending treatment.

On one hand, I want to see the little crackwhore pull her shit together. Seriously, I have waited nearly 10 years for that sequel to "Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen." C'mon Hollywood, the script practically writes itself! I could easily compile a working script simply from my pages and pages of "Confessions" fanfiction. And on the other, I love the drama of an over-priviledged but tortured Hollywood starlet. If Lindsay goes sober, what the hell would I watch on E! News?

Anyway, thank you, Lilo. You've given me a reason to face yet another Monday!