Wednesday, June 30, 2010

He's hotter than a burning cross in Tyler Perry's front yard!

My God, he’s hot! He’s so hot that it almost makes me willing to sit through one of those retarded vampire movies. You know, those movies in which everyone can find their way to the gym but not to an acting class. And what’s with all the body glitter? Nah, I can’t do it! He AND Taylor Lautner would have to go full pickle before I’d sit through that movie! Full pickle AND kiss... Final Offer!

Monday, June 28, 2010

Yay!!! Furry Convention!!! Finally, a post for the kids!!!

The world’s largest Furry Convention is taking place in Pittsburgh this weekend. Looks like I’m finally going to actualize that whole “barebacking Snuffaluffagus” fantasy. Never give up. Dreams really can come true, kids.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Happy Birthday, Meryl Streep!

Oh, Mamma Mia! It’s Meryl Streep’s birthday! Did you know that she’s only won 2 Academy Awards? Granted, that’s extremely impressive… you know… considering I only have one (And screw you, Marisa Tormei! I stole it fair and square, and you’re not getting it back!) I simply thought with her being universally described as “the greatest living actress,” it would be more. However, with 16 nominations, she does hold the record for being “the most nominated actor” in Academy history.

My favorite stories about Meryl are from “Sophie’s Choice.” It’s the only role for which she truly begged. She wasn’t even being considered for the role but somehow got hold of a bootleg script. She eventually got an audition and had all of her lines memorized for the reading. Then, once she had the role, she only filmed the “choice” scene once. She wanted to keep it raw and honest. She filmed one take and refused to do it again. Sure, it sounds like a diva moment; but that scene is what won her the 1982 Oscar, her 2nd and last to date. Then, I think she went on to do “Mamma Mia!” and a few other things… I don’t know… a few movies about a union rabble-rouser, a crazy chef, a bitchy editor, an evil nun… and there was a movie about her and Dirty Harry and a bridge in there somewhere too… but I only have the soundtrack to “Mamma Mia!”

Oh Meryl, Meryl, Meryl… Happy Birthday… You are elegant and charming. And I love the fact that you most definitely have the chops to pull off the “diva” attitude; but instead, I see you yucking it up with David Letterman and Conan O’Brien on late-night TV being charming as ever. Happy Birthday, my dear. I can’t wait to see what you do next. Until then, I’m going to give myself a good “Silkwood” scrub-down and spend the evening drinking a few beers while watching “It’s Complicated.” Keep aging beautifully and with dignity, but don’t ever slow down.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Happy Birthday, Doogie!

Oh my, my... how they grow! Our little Doogie Howser is turning 37 today! 37!!! I hope Wanda and Vinnie are throwing you one hell of a party... with plenty of soft food that you can safely chew. Seriously, god bless you, Neil Patrick Harris. You wear gay face well. So freakin' funny... so freakin' talented! That little shit, Kevin Arnold, has nothing on you! Happy Birthday, Doogie.

Other important birthdays today: our little cougar, Monica, Courtney Cox is 46 (I know!), Helen Hunt is 47 (She makes me want to be a better person) and a woman who never fails to make me laugh, Julie Hagerty is 55 (Airplane!, What About Bob?, Noises Off!) It's a beautiful day! Happy Birthday, ladies.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Who hasn't had this sausage in his/her mouth?

R.I.P. Jimmy Dean! I can only hope that after I die I am also remembered for my infamous sausage. In related news, Miss Piggy, after years of seclusion, came out of hiding today.

Perez Hilton is a Moron!

"Uh Oh, Lucy. You got some splainin' to do!" Perez Hilton, once again displaying his journalistic integrity, posted an uncensored photo of Miley Cyrus sans panties over the weekend. First of all, in this day and age it’s downright stupid for any celebrity to leave the house without her bloomers; but that’s not even the craziest part of this story… MILEY CYRUS IS ONLY 17!!! Perez is expected to be brought up on charges for distribution of child pornography later this week. I expect his defense to go something like this: “Your honor, don’t we all confuse the vaginas of Miley Cyrus and Hannah Montana? I could have sworn that I saw blonde hair, and didn’t Miss Montana just turn 18?” To which Miss Cyrus will reply, “Yippie Yi KY! Yeeeeaaaahhhh, it’s a party in the USA!” Oh Perez, just buy Billy Ray a new pick-up with a nice gun rack, and all should be settled. I predict by next week Perez will be in trouble for posting pics of Justin Bieber’s lady parts.

UPDATE: Perez posted a video on his blog denying the whole thing... which we all know is total crap. Just because he deleted it, doesn't mean we didn't all see it! However, the pic was a result of photoshop magic. And since the photo was a fake, the chance of charges being brought about is not likely. However, ABC did temporarily pull its advertising dollars from his blog as a result, and other sponsors are expected to follow suit.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Happy Birthday, Michelle Tanner!

Happy Birthday, Michelle Tanner!!! Remember a few years ago when dirty little frat boys and late-night standups were waiting for Mary-Kate and Ashley to turn 18? And then they turned out to be really gross? Yeah, sometimes that's how the world works. But here's a video when they were really cute. I'm guessing Mary-Kate is a little jacked up in this video, but hey, it's a party! Happy 24th, girls!