Monday, July 12, 2010

Lilo's Oompa Loompa Quits!

Stuart V. Goldberg, a Chicago attorney who bears a slight resemblance to a Cheet-O, is no longer representing Lindsay Lohan as of this morning. What? Willy Wonka was right! Those Oompa Loompas are so unreliable! He quit after 2 days! Well, maybe "quit" isn't exactly the right word. Despite the media's enthusiasm last week, it's rumored that he never actually accepted the position. Well, that also might not be entirely true. There are actually 2 rumors circulating on various gossip sites as to why the Jewmpa Loompa isn't representing Lindsay.

#1.) Lindsay Lohan couldn't afford the legal defenses of Goldberg, and he refused to take on the case for free. Fuckin' figures! She would try to jew to Jew! Perhaps, she should've offered to pay him in tanning appointments.

#2.) Lindsay Lohan opted not to hire Goldberg because she found him to be a little odd. Really? What's odd about a 6-foot-tall man in a powder blue suit with white hair and the complexion of the sun?

But as a world reknowned blogger and the internet's newest sensation (thanks to my millions of... ok, 200 visitors), I would like to offer up another theory as to why Goldberg isn't representing Lohan...

#3.) Goldberg is locked into an iron-clad contract with Willy Wonka and can not get out of it. He is currently ass-deep in representing the chocolatier in the case of Augustus Gloop vs. Willy Wonka. That fucker, Wonka, sent one kid up a tube and turned another into a giant blueberry! How can he not be held liable?

Ok, ok, enough Oompa Loompa jokes.

I'm pretty much assuming that this guy will never be in the news again, so I had to get it all out.

So, let's examine this situation... Lilo is 8 days away from going to the pokey, and she has no legal representation. And I thought my life sucked when I ran out of cream cheese this morning! Good luck, Cokey! See you on E! News!

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