LINDSAY LOHAN GOT OUT OF JAIL!!! AND THERE'S NOT ONE FREAKIN' PICTURE!!!

Everyone's favorite crack whore, Lindsay Lohan, left Century Regional Detention Center early Monday morning, and no one has a damn picture!?! All we have is a picture of this asshole!?! Are you freakin' kidding me!?!

I've searched everywhere!!! I actually even went on to real news sites in search of photos!!! And I believe you know how I feel about sites that only report carefully constructed, factual news postings. Bleck! I prefer gossip and speculation and... mmmmm... photoshopped images. That's what Daddy likes!

Lindsay Lohan was released from Lynwood on Monday morning at 12:01 am. I was told that she didn't leave the facility until 1:35 am, because she was having her hair done. She made arrangements late last week due to the certainty of press upon her release.

So, where are the damn pictures!?!

Could it be that L.A. paparazzi are simply sick of stalking our little Lilo? Do you think there were photographers who heard their alarm clocks and said, "Aaah, screw it! I'm not getting out of bed for that bitch AGAIN!"?

Lindsay went directly to the UCLA Medical Center to begin her 90-day sentence of rehab instead of the originally ordered, Morningside Facility. Judge Marsha Revel felt that the Morningside Facility was a little too lax and visitor friendly for Lilo's needs. Marsha, Marsha, Marsha!!! We may not see so much as a single image of cokey for 90 whole days!!! What the hell am I going to write about for 90 freakin' days!?!

Well, I'm severely disappointed. Ok, I'm pissed. And a little hurt. Et tu, Perez Hiton? Not one photo? So, instead, here's a picture of a one-legged stripper. It's not Lohan, but it's close... in that it's a little pathetic and a whole lot trashy!

Just When I Thought Today Was Going To Be Boring!

What the hell are you doing just sitting at home!?! You can watch that episode of "Golden Girls" any ol' time! I'll even tell you how it ends... Sophia calls Blanche a slut, and Dorothy calls Rose a moron. Then, there's cheesecake! Now, with that out the way... It's time to act!!! It's time to take to the streets and demonstrate about something that really matters!

There is a "Free Lindsay" rally happening right now on 7th Avenue in New York City! Right now!!! Gas up the SUV!!! Or SVU!... I always get the two confused.

Guess they had to squeeze one in, you know, since she's going to be out in 3 to 4 days.

And get this! It's being orchestrated by her tanning salon! Her tanning salon! Yes, James Oliver of The Beach Bum Tanning Salon is protesting the incarceration of our darling, little Lilo. He's very concerned that she will lose her base while behind bars.

OMG! Please, please, please, let there be a press conference! If there's anyone that can eloquently articulate matters of great injustice, it's lispy, orange faggots and slutty sorority girls who smell like frying bacon. Melanoma makes one nothing if not smart!

Seriously, one televised interview with this guy, and I'll have enough material for an entire week's worth of posts!

Hurry! The first 25 people carrying a "Free Lindsay" sign gets a free butterfly tanning sticker!!!

The Other Inmates Just Can't Stop Talking About Lilo's Crotch!

You know, I got up this morning and turned it to CNN. I heard all about the captured sailor in Afghanistan and the resigning CEO of BP... both very important current events... but my mind kept wandering to, "I wonder how my little Lilo's doing this morning."

Well... I've never been one to gossip... but...

It seems that little Lilo has had a rough few days. The other inmates kept yelling, "Firecrotch!" over and over and over again until Lindsay had what sources can only describe as a minor breakdown. She apparently had a hysterical fit, crying and yelling until she was eventually put in isolation. I guess the tantrum was so bad that a medical examiner was called in to examine self-inflicted scratches all up and down her arms.

All this because they you called "Firecrotch"!?! Shiiiiiiit... I was called worse than that on my way home from work this morning. Let's see. I was called "asshole, jack-off, dickhead, shit-for-brains, a fucking lunatic"... You know, maybe my driver's ed teacher was right. Maybe, I should look before changing lanes. Oh, well...

Oh, Lindsay, hang in there. You only have a few more days. Just keep in mind those poignant lessons you learned from the filming of "Mean Girls." Come the end of the week, you'll never have to face that cell block of Regina Georges ever again!

Hustler's Untrue Hollywood Stories' Next Installment!!!

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It's Day 2 for our brave, little soldier!

Did anyone else spend the entire evening craving chicken tetrazzini? Anyway...

Sources say that our little Lilo is handling her first few hours in the pokey extremely well. They say she's been "polite, compliant and responsive." She hasn't even cried!

Officials even say that if her good behavior continues she'll be out by the end of the month. Lynwood is extremely over-crowded, so it's most likely she'll only end up serving 13 to 14 days of her 90 day sentence.

Ooooh, but that report came only hours after her incarceration. Keep in mind that Lynwood is a smoke-free facility. How polite and compliant is she going to be after her first nicotine fit?

I have a plan...

I've gotten hold of Lindsay's address at Lynwood. We'll just send her some Nicorette gum or even one of those electronic, vapor cigarettes that are out now. C'mon readers, it's time to help out America's favorite crackwhore! (Sorry, Robert Downey Jr.)

Lindsay Lohan #2409752
Century Regional Detention Facility
11705 S. Alameda Street
Lynwood, CA 90262

Don't worry, Lilo. We'll get you through this! Don't let the man hold you down!

And besides, I need her out as soon as possible. I mean, what else am I supposed to write about for the next 13 days? It can't all be put on Mel's shoulders! He can only think of so many stupid things to say in a single day! Though, I'm sure he'll try his damndest.

Look At Who's Having Chicken Tetrazzini Tonight!?! (And possibly some lesbian rape...)

It really happened! I'm still in shock! It really happened! Lilo is in the pokey!... only for 23 days according to Cougar Judge Marsha... but still, she went! Look! There's pictures and video footage and everything! If it's on TMZ, you know it's true!

I really thought she'd run for Switzerland, or Shapiro would pull out some "If the glove don't fit, then you must aquit!" kind of magic. I really thought there was something behind to his late-night resignation last night.

But no, Lindsay just sneered at the judge and took her lumps like a big girl. She didn't even cry!!! (I admit I was a little disappointed.)

Judge Marsha made the press turn off their cameras, so Michael Lohan had no reason to act like a total freak while Lindsay was being carted away.

I would just like to point out all of my favorite parts of this morning though...

Here's Lindsay entering the courtroom... sort of uneventful... UNTIL someone throws confetti! Ahahahahaha! Fuckin' Confetti!!!

It's her party, and she'll cry if she wants to! BUT SHE DIDN'T!!!

Here is a picture of Lilo as Judge Marsha is giving final instructions before Lindsay is taken into custody. Just look at how sassy little Lilo got! Mmmmm, Hmmmm. Where's your "Fuck U" nail now, Sassy?


Now, let's have a look at the headshots... I mean, mugshots. Lindsay has gotten good at this whole being a celebrity criminal thing over the years. She's gone from looking like a complete crackwhore to her sassy-sorority-girl-on-the-town look. She knows this photo is going to be everywhere for the next few years, and she came prepared. I bet she even hired a make-up artist.

Let's take a look at how she's changed over the years.

JULY 2007

NOVEMBER 2007



JULY 2010

Yep! That one's definitely my favorite. The sassy smirk just sets it off.

And here is that little cougar, Judge Marsha Revel, giving her final instructions. Look! Not even one tear!!! What kind of bullshit is that!!!


Then, buzz-kill Marsha made the press turn off all cameras... but I still got hold of a few photos...



Oh, what a day! I need a nap now.

I hear Lindsay is having chicken tetrazzini, a strip-search and possibly some lesbian rape for dinner this evening.

I'll be having a bowl of cereal and watching the newest "My Life on the D-List."

Ahhh, good evening for all.

Oooooh! We're Down To Doom's Day On The Lindsay Lohan Countdown!

Ooooh! It's Day 0 on the Lohan Countdown, my Gloryhole Readers!!! And I have a feeling it's going to get good!

Our little crackhead is supposed to surrender herself this morning at The Beverly Hills Courthouse!

BUT!!!! Robert Shapiro agreed to represent Lilo only if she agreed to comply with all court orders... including serving her sentence.

It's been reported that Robert Shapiro resigned as Lindsay's lawyer yesterday evening.

What the hell happened overnight!?!

Hmmmm... You think Cokey is going to make a run for it?

I can't wait! I can't wait!

No matter what happens, readers, you can be sure that I'll be tuned into E! Television for the entire day!

3 Days Until Hell Freezes Over!!!

3 days, readers! 3 days until Lindsay Lohan gets locked up in the pokey! Oooh, the anticipation!!!

Lindsay Lohan is to begin serving a 90-day jail sentence on July 20 for violating the terms of her probation on drunk driving charges by failing to attend several court-ordered alcohol education classes.

She has hired celebrity lawyer, Robert Shapiro, as her new legal council. Remember him? He was part of the dream team that defended O.J. Simpson.

Shapiro was reported on Friday as saying that Lindsay will report to jail as ordered by Judge Marsha Revel. What!?! This guy can get O.J. off for killing his wife but can't even stall the incarceration of our little Lilo!?! Are you freakin' kidding me?

I have a sneaky suspicion these two have something up their litigious sleeves! But I don't know...

Shapiro's son, Brent, died in 2005 due to a combination of drinking alcohol and taking the drug, Ecstasy. Since then, Shapiro has been dedicated himself to helping others overcome their own addiction problems.

"Ms. Lohan is suffering from a disease that I am all too familiar with... I have agreed to represent Ms. Lohan on the condition she comply with the terms of probation, including a requirement of jail imposed by Judge Marsha Revel," Shapiro said in a statement on Friday.

Shapiro could easily become the greatest influence of Lilo's life! (Sorry, Sam.) His family started the Brent Shapiro Foundation as well as the Pickford Lofts Sober Living Facility in Los Angeles. Lindsay checked into Pickford Lofts earlier this week where she is still living and attending treatment.

On one hand, I want to see the little crackwhore pull her shit together. Seriously, I have waited nearly 10 years for that sequel to "Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen." C'mon Hollywood, the script practically writes itself! I could easily compile a working script simply from my pages and pages of "Confessions" fanfiction. And on the other, I love the drama of an over-priviledged but tortured Hollywood starlet. If Lindsay goes sober, what the hell would I watch on E! News?

Anyway, thank you, Lilo. You've given me a reason to face yet another Monday!

“Oh y did I trust my heart 2 a 19 yr old ice-fisherman/babydaddy from Wasila?”

That's what Kathy Griffin tweeted on Wednesday upon hearing of the Levi Johnston/Bristol Palin engagement.

Perhaps, Lindsay Lohan isn't the only celebrity who should be on suicide watch this week.



Oh, Griffin! I'm glad to see you handling it so well.

Lilo's Oompa Loompa Quits!

Stuart V. Goldberg, a Chicago attorney who bears a slight resemblance to a Cheet-O, is no longer representing Lindsay Lohan as of this morning. What? Willy Wonka was right! Those Oompa Loompas are so unreliable! He quit after 2 days! Well, maybe "quit" isn't exactly the right word. Despite the media's enthusiasm last week, it's rumored that he never actually accepted the position. Well, that also might not be entirely true. There are actually 2 rumors circulating on various gossip sites as to why the Jewmpa Loompa isn't representing Lindsay.

#1.) Lindsay Lohan couldn't afford the legal defenses of Goldberg, and he refused to take on the case for free. Fuckin' figures! She would try to jew to Jew! Perhaps, she should've offered to pay him in tanning appointments.

#2.) Lindsay Lohan opted not to hire Goldberg because she found him to be a little odd. Really? What's odd about a 6-foot-tall man in a powder blue suit with white hair and the complexion of the sun?

But as a world reknowned blogger and the internet's newest sensation (thanks to my millions of... ok, 200 visitors), I would like to offer up another theory as to why Goldberg isn't representing Lohan...

#3.) Goldberg is locked into an iron-clad contract with Willy Wonka and can not get out of it. He is currently ass-deep in representing the chocolatier in the case of Augustus Gloop vs. Willy Wonka. That fucker, Wonka, sent one kid up a tube and turned another into a giant blueberry! How can he not be held liable?

Ok, ok, enough Oompa Loompa jokes.

I'm pretty much assuming that this guy will never be in the news again, so I had to get it all out.

So, let's examine this situation... Lilo is 8 days away from going to the pokey, and she has no legal representation. And I thought my life sucked when I ran out of cream cheese this morning! Good luck, Cokey! See you on E! News!

The most interesting thing to come out of the Lindsay Lohan Sentencing Hearing...

I just have to say, Lindsay Lohan has beautiful penmanship!!! I’ve always had a soft spot for people with good penmanship. Maybe, she is innocent? Maybe, we are being a little rough on her? I’ll write to her while she’s in jail in hopes of receiving a handwritten letter in return. I'll frame it and put it next to my restraining order from Zac Efron.

Oy Vey! Lindsay hired a Jew! At least, I think that's a Jew...

Lindsay Lohan just hired a new lawyer, Chicago's Stuart V. Goldberg. Good move, Lilo! Jew lawyers are the best! After all, Marcia Clark was a Jew. Oh wait, she lost the whole O.J. thing though, didn't she? Oy vey! Well, Elena Kagan is a Jew, and she could go on to the Supreme Court!

Oh, wait! This just in!...

Upon further inspection, it turns out that Stuart V. Golderg is not actually a Jew; it appears that he is instead an Oompa Loompa!

Seriously, what's up with this guy? How many fucking carrots does someone have to eat a day to be that orange? Lindsay is going to be defended by a walking Cheet-O!?!

But it's just like the song goes:

"Oompa Loopa, Do-ba-da-dee doo.
Judge Marsha N. Revel is pissed off at you.
Oompa Loopa, Do-ba-da-dee doo.
The one thing that can save you is an orange Jew."

That verse is actually only available on the extended DVD version of "Willy Wonka," fyi.

It's another day, so here's your obligatory Lindsay Lohan post!

Lindsay Lohan is already auctioning off her 1st post-incarceration interview to the press; and she says she won’t even consider doing it for less than $1 million.

That little crackwhore is crafty… crafty, indeed! First, she convinces the court to allow prescription drugs while on probation. Prescription drugs that include: Zoloft, Ambien, Adderall, Trazodone and Dilaudid, an extremely powerful painkiller that is said to be more powerful than morphine. If any of you remember a little film called “Drugstore Cowboy,” that’s the drug that the junkies were trying to heist from various pharmacies throughout the movie. It’s sort of well known among pill heads that when one mixes an opioid such as Dilaudid with Adderall, well, the expression, “tripping balls,” doesn’t even cover it. Sneaky… Sneaky.

Now, as she’s quickly approaching bankruptcy, she gets herself incarcerated for… Let’s face it! Paris Hilton went away for less than 90 minutes. Lindsay is going away for 3 days max!... And she’s going to profit $1 million as well as get a shit-ton of free press for her upcoming Linda Lovelace movie.

For $1 million, I’d let you lock me up in a cell with Charles Manson and Mike Tyson for the full 90 days! Hell! I’d even pick up the soap for one of them for $1 million!

Say what you want about our little Lilo; but that glassy-eyed whore is fucking smart!

See! It was all just a big misunderstanding!

A better close-up of Lindsay Lohan's fingernail in court reveals that we totally overreacted! See! She really is a nice girl. Too bad we didn't get to see her toenails. I heard she had "I played both twins in The Parent Trap!" on one of her left toes.

12 Days until Cracky goes to jail!

And the countdown has begun!

Everyone's favorite little crackwhore was sentenced to 90 days! And I'm sure we're going to see a whole bunch of crazy before that long-awaited July 20th arrives.

Lilo has already sent out several tweets comparing herself to Iranian women who are stoned to death. She also keeps quoting the Bill of Rights. Yeah, Lilo, I'm sure that's exactly what the founding fathers in mind. Your over-privileged ass getting sent to the pokey for using your nose as a drug mule!

Lilo's lawyer is no longer representing her. Great! Another black person out of work!

Her enabling, orange mother finally decided to show up 2 days later crying about how unfair it all is!

Her douchebag father appeared on every talk show that would have him. Judge Marsha didn't even want to hear from you; what makes you think that Larry King wants to listen to you run your fucking mouth?

Kim Kardashian is sending a muffin basket. And rumor has it that Lilo enjoys a good muffin.

It's all sooooo goddamn stupid that I can't talk about it anymore. Ok, ok. I can't talk about it anymore TODAY. The countdown will definitely continue here on Celebrity Gloryhole!

This is my favorite photo from yesterday!!!

Danny DeVito arrived at the Beverly Hills Courthouse yesterday morning and was instantly bombarded by paparazzi. He was repeatedly asked, “What is your relationship to Lindsay? Are you testifying today?” I don’t think Danny DeVito even knew Lilo’s bail hearing was going on that day! Does he even know who Lindsay Lohan is? In fact, I’m pretty sure Mr. DeVito had no idea what the hell was going on. He was simply appearing because he’d been called for jury duty.

That’s freakin' amazing! First, Danny DeVito is so famous he could’ve very easily gotten out of jury duty, but he chose to serve anyway. Second, Frank Reynolds on a jury? I love every image and scenario that puts in my head. I would gladly kill someone… or steal a few chachkis from Orlando Bloom’s house… you know, whatever I need to do… just to have Danny DeVito on my jury.

Uuummm... Well, I almost felt sorry for the crackwhore!

Then, I saw a close-up of her nails. What do you think? Photoshopped by the tabloids? Or is she really that damn stupid to go into court flashing fingernails that clearly read, "Fuck you!" Though, I can't lie... If this photo is real, it makes me respect her a little more.

Awww.... I almost feel sorry for the little crackwhore!

SCRAM, Lilo, SCRAM! (part deux)

Uh Oh, someone call Regina George! It looks like we have another entry for The Burn Book! Lindsay Lohan has been sentenced to 90 days in jail followed by 90 days to an in-patient rehabilitation center. I know, I know... I shouldn't be this fascinated by something this goddamn stupid, but I am! I somehow feel grounded by celebrities who are more of a hot mess than I. I only wish she would have been sentenced to community service. That way maybe... maybe, we, as the American public, could have finally gotten that long-awaited sequel to "Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen."

Wuh oh! Lilo in the arms of the law!!!

It's not looking good for Lilo today! She's been accused of violating her Alcohol Ed. Classes on 9 different occasions! Witnesses from The Right On Center referred to her as "disrespectful and filled with excuses." The Judge has refused to hear from Michael Lohan and has asked him to leave. I wonder how Danny DeVito's day of jury duty is going?