Happy Birthday, Jennifer Saunders!

It's also Jennifer Saunder's birthday today!!! Happy B-day, Jennifer. You're 52 and still "Absolutely Fabulous"!

Happy Birthday, Miss Di Pesto!

Sure, it’s the Dalai Lama’s birthday today. It’s also Nancy Regan, Sylvester Stallone and former President, George W. Bush's birthdays. But really? Let’s talk about someone who has really affected my life! Happy birthday to actress Allyce Beasley who spent 5 seasons as the quirky, rhyming receptionist, Agnes Di Pesto on ABC television’s “Moonlighting!” Now, that was great television!!! “Do bears bare? Do bees be?” Miss Di Pesto spent most episodes answering the phone with a snappy little limerick and playing referee to star-crossed detectives, David Addison and Maddie Hayes. Perhaps, I would have graduated top of my class or at least... you know... bothered to have read that damn “Beowulf” even once... but 80s TV was too damn good to make time for that crap. And I don’t regret a single minute of how I spent my Tuesday nights! Happy 56th Birthday, Miss Di Pesto! I can still hear it as if it were yesterday:

Blue Moon Detective Agency.

We're detectives with a heart, we really do our part.

In your moment of need, we'll be there indeed.

So please don't be shy, just give us a try.

We're cooperative and discreet, we really can't be beat.

And if I may be so bold, I'd like to put you on hold.

SCRAM, Lilo, SCRAM!

Oh, what a morning for everyone's favorite little crackwhore! Lindsay Lohan reported to the Beverly Hills Courthouse this morning to defend her "innocence." In case you've been living under a rock... or... well... really celebrating the absolute shit out of the 4th, Lilo has been accused of missing several of her court-ordered alcohol education classes, and her SCRAM bracelet alerted authorities to the presense of alcohol last month. She very well could go to jail TODAY!

Evidence has already been presented, and Lilo is currently in a conference room with her lawyer.

In related news, Danny DeVito showed up at the Beverly Hills Courthouse this morning to report for jury duty. He was very surprised to encounter approximately 80 photographers upon his arrival. Haha! And you just know he didn't show up looking or feeling his best this morning.

Happy Independence Day, America!!!

It's the 4th of July, so here's a picture a reeeaaally fat Asian. What one has to do with the other, I haven't a clue; but here you go!

Seriously, how much rice did this little fatass eat?

He must eaten a bunch uncooked rice then taken a biiiig ol' drink of water.

Happy Birthday, Kimmy Gibbler!

Sure, it's Tom Cruise's birthday; it's Yeardley Smith's birthday (Lisa Simpson); it's even Betty Buckley's birthday (bat-shit crazy Broadway diva). But guess what was on the front page of the Gibbler Gazette today! That's right, TGIF viewers! Kimmy Gibbler (Andrea Barber) turns 34 today! 34! And I bet she's still just as fucking annoying! Happy Birthday, Kimmy Gibbler! You were the stupidest character on the stupidest show ever on television... ok... maybe, 2nd... I'm awarding "stupidest character" to Jon Stamos's 1st and 2nd season mullet... but I'm very proud of you for being the only girl on that show that turned out ok. Stephanie went on to build a meth lab in her basement, Michelle killed Heath Ledger and DJ continues to be related to Kirk Cameron. But you, my dear lady, became a term on urbandictionary.com. "Kimmy Gibbler: (noun) When one refuses to leave after a one-night stand, even when asked nicely." Now, that's an honor and an accomplishment that I can respect. Happy Birthday, Kimmy Gibbler! I really, really hope you're doing tequila shots with Dave Coulier right now!

Mel Gibson is funnier than I thought!

Earlier today, Radar.com released an exclusive audio recording of an argument between Mel Gibson and baby mama, Oksana, in which he can be heard yelling, “You’re an embarrassment to me! You look like a f***ing pig in heat, and if you get raped by a pack of n***ers, it will be your fault.” Then, a recording of a voicemail surfaced in which he yelled, "I am going to come and burn the f**king house down... but you will blow me first." AHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh my God! Now, that’s funny! I think just fell in love with him all over again! C’mon! Call her a fake-tittied ruskie now!!! Or a cum-dunking Commie!!! Of course, she could always fire back by simply quoting lines from “Lethal Weapon 3” or “Bird on a Wire.” Oh Mel, that pansy, Charlie Sheen, has got nothing on you! I’m glad to see that you’re back in the news! Keep ‘em coming!


Awww, don't you worry, Mel. You just need to put on a snazzy glove, fake-cry to a Michael Jackson song and we'll totally forgive you for knocking her teeth out! Heck, you might even win a BET Award! Just try to cut back on the N word between now and then, ok?

Now, THAT'S a sexy vampire!

To hell with you, Pattinson! This is by far the sexiest vampire to have ever hit the big screen.