Wow! Twilight Really Sucks!!!

A lot of merchandise has come out of the Twilight franchise, but I believe my favorite items to emerge are the Twilight inspired sex toys. Yep, you read that correctly. Twilight inspired sex toys!

Now, Twihards can purchase anything from a fleshlight with fangs to a ghostly white dildo that sparkles in the sunlight. It is also recommended that one puts the dildo, known as "the Vamp", in the freezer before use in order to accurately simulate the experience of being penetrated by a cold-blooded vampire. This is so fucking sad. Oh, but wait, it gets even sadder...

The fleshlight, called the "Succu Dry", is a pocket-sized fleshlight with fangs that promises to "leave you completely drained." When one's penis gets "twihard", he can imagine what it'd be like to "stick his stake into his favorite vampire."

I can't wait until they come out with the Taylor Lautner inspired sex toys. What's that dildo going to look like? Is it going to be your average, everyday dildo that when exposed to moonlight turns into a furry red-rocket?

And I'd like to take this opportunity to remind everyone that it is illegal to own more than 20 dildos in state of Texas. (True Fact.) So, please, be aware of local laws when placing your order.

Yes! Yes! Yes! Oh, Fuck Yeah!

“Despicable Me” Kicks Some Vampire Ass Over the Weekend!!! Fuck Yeah!!! Suck on that, Pattinson!!!

Now, THAT'S a sexy vampire!

To hell with you, Pattinson! This is by far the sexiest vampire to have ever hit the big screen.

He's hotter than a burning cross in Tyler Perry's front yard!

My God, he’s hot! He’s so hot that it almost makes me willing to sit through one of those retarded vampire movies. You know, those movies in which everyone can find their way to the gym but not to an acting class. And what’s with all the body glitter? Nah, I can’t do it! He AND Taylor Lautner would have to go full pickle before I’d sit through that movie! Full pickle AND kiss... Final Offer!