Fist Pumping All The Way To The Unemployment Line!!!

Cast members of MTV's "Jersey Shore" were supposed to begin filming scenes for the 3rd season today. However, when crew members showed up at their doors, JWow, Vinny, Ronnie, Sleepy, Happy and Doc all refused to shoot scenes until they received more lucrative contracts.

If you remember, MTV once considered re-casting the entire show for its 3rd season. So, is this really a wise move on the part of everyone's favorite little guidos and guidettes?

Snooki, Sitch... Valtrex and tanning packages are not cheap!!! And you're not exactly employable outside of MTV reality television! What are you going to do if MTV decides to ax the series altogether? "Celebrity Rehab" has already been cast for this season!

Is Snooki going to become a manicurist? Is the Sitch going to become a bouncer?

You know, this is just the beginning of some very ho-hum careers in amateur porn. Yep, get ready to see The Situation bareback some wide-eyed twink and Snooki break her Bumpit over some Italian Stallion's headboard!

Sure, their "shocking and exclusive" sex videos will headline Radar Online for about a week; but then, they'll dissipate among the reality stars of yesteryear.

I'll miss you, Dagos. I'll think of you every time I drink a bottle of Everclear and fist bump to a generically familar 90s song. But I shan't mourn too long; I'm sure I'll see you at some local county fair really soon.

Oh, It is indeed a Hofftastic Day!!!

Whatever you do... Don't Hassel the Hoff today! It's his 58th birthday!!!

Here's his Hoff the hook performance from "America's Got Talent" earlier this year!

Seriously, this is even funnier than the drunk video in which he was eating a hamburger off the bathroom floor!

3 Days Until Hell Freezes Over!!!

3 days, readers! 3 days until Lindsay Lohan gets locked up in the pokey! Oooh, the anticipation!!!

Lindsay Lohan is to begin serving a 90-day jail sentence on July 20 for violating the terms of her probation on drunk driving charges by failing to attend several court-ordered alcohol education classes.

She has hired celebrity lawyer, Robert Shapiro, as her new legal council. Remember him? He was part of the dream team that defended O.J. Simpson.

Shapiro was reported on Friday as saying that Lindsay will report to jail as ordered by Judge Marsha Revel. What!?! This guy can get O.J. off for killing his wife but can't even stall the incarceration of our little Lilo!?! Are you freakin' kidding me?

I have a sneaky suspicion these two have something up their litigious sleeves! But I don't know...

Shapiro's son, Brent, died in 2005 due to a combination of drinking alcohol and taking the drug, Ecstasy. Since then, Shapiro has been dedicated himself to helping others overcome their own addiction problems.

"Ms. Lohan is suffering from a disease that I am all too familiar with... I have agreed to represent Ms. Lohan on the condition she comply with the terms of probation, including a requirement of jail imposed by Judge Marsha Revel," Shapiro said in a statement on Friday.

Shapiro could easily become the greatest influence of Lilo's life! (Sorry, Sam.) His family started the Brent Shapiro Foundation as well as the Pickford Lofts Sober Living Facility in Los Angeles. Lindsay checked into Pickford Lofts earlier this week where she is still living and attending treatment.

On one hand, I want to see the little crackwhore pull her shit together. Seriously, I have waited nearly 10 years for that sequel to "Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen." C'mon Hollywood, the script practically writes itself! I could easily compile a working script simply from my pages and pages of "Confessions" fanfiction. And on the other, I love the drama of an over-priviledged but tortured Hollywood starlet. If Lindsay goes sober, what the hell would I watch on E! News?

Anyway, thank you, Lilo. You've given me a reason to face yet another Monday!

I'm calling off from work today! I've come down with a terrible case of Bieber Fever! (and it itches worse than crabs!)

That little shit, Bieber, is everywhere! As of today, Justin Bieber's "Baby," his duet with Luda, is the most watched video in YouTube history.

He has surpassed Lady Gaga's "Bad Romance," the former record holder, and even the "Charlie bit my finger" bit with his 246 million views on Friday afternoon.

Wait, wait, wait! You mean to tell me that more people have watched this little shit dance around a bowling alley than have watched "Two Girls, One Cup"!?! Huh! Crazy world!

The 16-year-old star thanked his "Beliebers" on Twitter. "What is goin on with the 'Baby' video on YouTube is crazy ... I started on YouTube so the support ... well I just need to say, thank u."

Beliebers? They call themselves Beliebers? Really? Uuuuugh!

"Baby, Baby, Baby, Ooooooh!" Congratulations, Biebs! Fame is fleeting. Enjoy it now! I fear that puberty is going to hit you harder than Chris Brown hit Rhianna. Sure, your singing career will stall a bit, but you'll be able to masturbate like 6 hours a day! Trust me, it's a fair trade.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I am happy to post for you the most watched video on YouTube...

Mama's Still Got It! Now, Give Her a Damn Reality Show!!!

Liza with a Z is making a comeback!!! "I hate that word! It's a return!"

(Note for all of my heterosexual readers (all 2 of you): That is a famous Norma Desmond quote from "Sunset Boulevard.")

Anyway, Ms. Minelli got a few Percocet and highballs in her and went onto HSN to hock her self-designed, sequin-covered pajama bottoms a few weeks ago; and now, her career is hotter than ever!

Her agents are currently fielding offers for a reality show, a sitcom and even a hosting gig on SNL. And just look what SNL did for Betty White. I, personally, vote for the reality show! Reality show, reality show, reality show!... Well, unless she is playing a highly inappropriate, foul-mouthed grandmother in that sitcom. I'll settle for that, as well. After all, She was terrific as Lucia II on "Arrested Development" a few years back. (Just another little nugget for the heterosexual readers. They generally have no clue who Liza is unless one mentions "Arrested Development.")

Up until June 30th, I think we had forgotten how funny and charming she really is. Oh, don't get me wrong, she's a big box of crazy. But even that makes her that much more intriguing.

So, she likes to do a few pills and toss back a bottle of whatever's handy! Who doesn't? She's still Liza, and she's still funny and crazy as hell!

She was hysterical in "Sex And the City" part duh! She was bat-shit crazy on Kathy Griffin's "My Life on the D-List." And now, the HSN appearance is simply reminding people in the industry that Mamma's still got it!

Here's the HSN clip that started it all...

Who's buying these clothes, by the way. What suburban housewife is attending PTA meetings in silk Arabian pants, a sequin dinner jacket and a turban? Seriously? The jewelry is cute, but who in the hell else but Liza Minelli can pull off these clothes?

Hey! It's Cory Feldman's Birthday! (That's the live one, btw.)

Hey! It's Cory Feldman's 39th Birthday today!

Happy Birthday, Cory! I'm so sorry the series finale for "The Two Corys" had to be so sad... Aaaawwww. What? Too soon?

I know he may seem like a huge douchebag to the rest of you, but anyone who was in "The Goonies" AND sang "Sunglasses at Night" is cool in my book.

Happy Birthday, Cory! Congratulations on... well... you know, being alive and all.

Well, She said 'Please, Release Me!'

During her concert in Germany last night, one of Pink's back-up dancers failed to secure her harness correctly, and she... well... and she went boom!

This is so unbelievable! Everyone knows how intelligent back-up dancers are!!! Kevin Federline was a back-up dancer, for Christ's sake! And that guy's smart! Say what you will, but he got millions in alimony from Britney. Then, instead of investing it into a failing stock market, he chose to eat it. Smart, smart, indeed. Anyway...

Pink can really sing her ass off, and I think she's one of the most underrated vocalists we have out right now. In addition to all of that, she's just a cool chick! After she went flying face-first into a barricade, the first thing heard from her mouth was, "Mother Fucker!" Ahahahaha! That's exactly right, Pink! Mother Fucker!

Then, she continually updated her Twitter throughout the evening to let her fans know she was Ok...

To all my nurnberg fans- I am so so so sorry to end the show that way.I am embarassed and very sorry. I'm in ambulance now but I will b fine
about 16 hours ago via UberTwitter

@PinkFacts didn't get clipped in2 harness correctly,drug me off stage, fell in2 barricade. Getting xrays.I hope it at least looked cool!!!
about 16 hours ago via UberTwitter in reply to PinkFacts

Ok all my lovers out there- nothings broken, no fluid in the lungs, just seriously sore. I made that barricade my b*tch!!!! Thanx nurnberg:(
about 15 hours ago via UberTwitter

You sure in the hell did, Pink! Now, it's time to go make that back-up dancer your bitch!

Here's the video in case someone wants to submit it to Bob Saget!

Wait! Is that an out-dated reference? Does he still do America's Funniest Home Videos? Is that show even still on?