It's Day 2 for our brave, little soldier!

Did anyone else spend the entire evening craving chicken tetrazzini? Anyway...

Sources say that our little Lilo is handling her first few hours in the pokey extremely well. They say she's been "polite, compliant and responsive." She hasn't even cried!

Officials even say that if her good behavior continues she'll be out by the end of the month. Lynwood is extremely over-crowded, so it's most likely she'll only end up serving 13 to 14 days of her 90 day sentence.

Ooooh, but that report came only hours after her incarceration. Keep in mind that Lynwood is a smoke-free facility. How polite and compliant is she going to be after her first nicotine fit?

I have a plan...

I've gotten hold of Lindsay's address at Lynwood. We'll just send her some Nicorette gum or even one of those electronic, vapor cigarettes that are out now. C'mon readers, it's time to help out America's favorite crackwhore! (Sorry, Robert Downey Jr.)

Lindsay Lohan #2409752
Century Regional Detention Facility
11705 S. Alameda Street
Lynwood, CA 90262

Don't worry, Lilo. We'll get you through this! Don't let the man hold you down!

And besides, I need her out as soon as possible. I mean, what else am I supposed to write about for the next 13 days? It can't all be put on Mel's shoulders! He can only think of so many stupid things to say in a single day! Though, I'm sure he'll try his damndest.

Look At Who's Having Chicken Tetrazzini Tonight!?! (And possibly some lesbian rape...)

It really happened! I'm still in shock! It really happened! Lilo is in the pokey!... only for 23 days according to Cougar Judge Marsha... but still, she went! Look! There's pictures and video footage and everything! If it's on TMZ, you know it's true!

I really thought she'd run for Switzerland, or Shapiro would pull out some "If the glove don't fit, then you must aquit!" kind of magic. I really thought there was something behind to his late-night resignation last night.

But no, Lindsay just sneered at the judge and took her lumps like a big girl. She didn't even cry!!! (I admit I was a little disappointed.)

Judge Marsha made the press turn off their cameras, so Michael Lohan had no reason to act like a total freak while Lindsay was being carted away.

I would just like to point out all of my favorite parts of this morning though...

Here's Lindsay entering the courtroom... sort of uneventful... UNTIL someone throws confetti! Ahahahahaha! Fuckin' Confetti!!!

It's her party, and she'll cry if she wants to! BUT SHE DIDN'T!!!

Here is a picture of Lilo as Judge Marsha is giving final instructions before Lindsay is taken into custody. Just look at how sassy little Lilo got! Mmmmm, Hmmmm. Where's your "Fuck U" nail now, Sassy?


Now, let's have a look at the headshots... I mean, mugshots. Lindsay has gotten good at this whole being a celebrity criminal thing over the years. She's gone from looking like a complete crackwhore to her sassy-sorority-girl-on-the-town look. She knows this photo is going to be everywhere for the next few years, and she came prepared. I bet she even hired a make-up artist.

Let's take a look at how she's changed over the years.

JULY 2007

NOVEMBER 2007



JULY 2010

Yep! That one's definitely my favorite. The sassy smirk just sets it off.

And here is that little cougar, Judge Marsha Revel, giving her final instructions. Look! Not even one tear!!! What kind of bullshit is that!!!


Then, buzz-kill Marsha made the press turn off all cameras... but I still got hold of a few photos...



Oh, what a day! I need a nap now.

I hear Lindsay is having chicken tetrazzini, a strip-search and possibly some lesbian rape for dinner this evening.

I'll be having a bowl of cereal and watching the newest "My Life on the D-List."

Ahhh, good evening for all.

Whoopi Goldberg had to get stoned in order to put up with Hasselbeck's bag of bullshit yesterday!

Ok, ok, so that's not exactly what happened. But Whoopi Goldberg did show up to "The View" yesterday stoned off her bazombas.

Well, C'mon, what do you expect from someone who has been sporting dreads for the past 30 years!?!

Whoopi apparently doesn't like to fly and admitted to still feeling the effects of her sedatives.

Yeeeaaaahhh and Paula Abdul slurs her words due to her allergy medication.

Who do you think you're fooling, Sister Mary Clarence? I watch "Weeds." I know what's up! Once it requires a roach clip or a bong, I don't think you can technically call it a "sedative."

Personally, I enjoyed it. I think all of the ladies should show up toked out of their minds a few days a week. Perhaps, I could stand to listen to Hasselbeck's bag of bullshit if she slurred a little more.

The show would go from sounding like a pen full of chickens bickering back and forth to, "Whooooaaaa, man, that's deep. Wait! What?" I imagine a more politically motivated "Beavis & Butthead" of sorts.

Hasselbeck would narc. Joy would get all paranoid. And Sherri would find snacks... Somehow, she would get snacks.

I would watch that show EVERY DAY!

Here, take a look, and see what you think...

Oooooh! We're Down To Doom's Day On The Lindsay Lohan Countdown!

Ooooh! It's Day 0 on the Lohan Countdown, my Gloryhole Readers!!! And I have a feeling it's going to get good!

Our little crackhead is supposed to surrender herself this morning at The Beverly Hills Courthouse!

BUT!!!! Robert Shapiro agreed to represent Lilo only if she agreed to comply with all court orders... including serving her sentence.

It's been reported that Robert Shapiro resigned as Lindsay's lawyer yesterday evening.

What the hell happened overnight!?!

Hmmmm... You think Cokey is going to make a run for it?

I can't wait! I can't wait!

No matter what happens, readers, you can be sure that I'll be tuned into E! Television for the entire day!

Happy Birthday, Queen of Mean!!!

"I've blown more black guys than Hurricane Katrina" --Lisa Lampanelli

All hail the Queen of Mean, insult-comic, Lisa Lampanelli! She turns 49 today!

Go ahead! Drop off a few tubs of Cocoa Butter at the local county jail in honor of our girl!

Happy Birthday, Lisa!

Hey, Paris! It's 420 somwhere!!!

On Friday, bloggers and various celebrity gossip sites nearly broke their asses trying to be the first to report that Paris Hilton was detained for questioning at The Figari Airport in Corsica. Reports claimed that an airport drug-dog detected marijuana in one of her bags... one of her many, many, many bags.

Sure, this information comes from unconfirmed sources. In fact, I personally read it on a gossip site that was featuring a story about a woman who had sex with a man in exchange for her hair weave that particular day. Sure, it may not exactly measure up to the journalistic integrity The Huffington Post, but it's good enough for me!

Sources say that she was questioned for approximately 30 minutes, but due to the minuscule amount of pot, she was let go without even a stern lecture.

Paris, of course, denies the entire incident even happened. But I believe it! She has to smoking something. That level of sheer retardation simply can not be natural!

I know I'll be referencing this incident the next time I'm thrown out of a Hilton lobby for smoking some herb out of a homemade apple pipe.

Worst Phone Conversationalist Of The Year Is Fleeing Down Under!

America's sweetheart, Mel Gibson recently sold his New York mansion for millions less than its market value earlier this month; and he has been reported to have put his Malibu home on the market earlier this week. Upon the advice of his ex-wife, Robyn, he is leaving the U.S. and moving back to his boyhood home of Sydney, Australia.

What!?! Braveheart is leaving the U.S. of A.!?! I don’t think I want to live in a country without ol’ Sugartits!

So, he got drunk, said a few racist things, demanded a blow job and punched a baby… (allegedly)… Who the hell hasn’t? I do worse than that on my Monday afternoon benders at the Ladies’ Auxiliary BINGO Luncheon!

Say what you will, but that big-tittied Russian is one crafty bitch! How in the heck did we ever win The Cold War against these people? She forced Mad Max… Mad Freakin’ Max… out of the country with nothing more than a cell phone! She saved those messages for months before leaking them to the press! Hell, I can’t even figure out how to change my outgoing message! But that woman… that woman is shifty!

Mel, Mel, Mel… How I will miss your antics! To think, you will spend your days punching wallabies and verbally abusing koalas, and no one will be there to get it on tape. What a waste of good material! I just hope you have cell phone reception there in the Outback!

Keep in touch.