LINDSAY LOHAN GOT OUT OF JAIL!!! AND THERE'S NOT ONE FREAKIN' PICTURE!!!

Everyone's favorite crack whore, Lindsay Lohan, left Century Regional Detention Center early Monday morning, and no one has a damn picture!?! All we have is a picture of this asshole!?! Are you freakin' kidding me!?!

I've searched everywhere!!! I actually even went on to real news sites in search of photos!!! And I believe you know how I feel about sites that only report carefully constructed, factual news postings. Bleck! I prefer gossip and speculation and... mmmmm... photoshopped images. That's what Daddy likes!

Lindsay Lohan was released from Lynwood on Monday morning at 12:01 am. I was told that she didn't leave the facility until 1:35 am, because she was having her hair done. She made arrangements late last week due to the certainty of press upon her release.

So, where are the damn pictures!?!

Could it be that L.A. paparazzi are simply sick of stalking our little Lilo? Do you think there were photographers who heard their alarm clocks and said, "Aaah, screw it! I'm not getting out of bed for that bitch AGAIN!"?

Lindsay went directly to the UCLA Medical Center to begin her 90-day sentence of rehab instead of the originally ordered, Morningside Facility. Judge Marsha Revel felt that the Morningside Facility was a little too lax and visitor friendly for Lilo's needs. Marsha, Marsha, Marsha!!! We may not see so much as a single image of cokey for 90 whole days!!! What the hell am I going to write about for 90 freakin' days!?!

Well, I'm severely disappointed. Ok, I'm pissed. And a little hurt. Et tu, Perez Hiton? Not one photo? So, instead, here's a picture of a one-legged stripper. It's not Lohan, but it's close... in that it's a little pathetic and a whole lot trashy!

Is The Biebs The New Lindsay Lohan???

Over the course of just a few days, this photo of Justin Bieber has been featured on more gossip blogs than Britney Spears' twat!

The headlines have been reading: "Is Justin Smoking Pot?, Has The Biebs Turned To Weed?, Has Bieber Gone To Pot?"

Uuummm... First of all, amateurs, that is not a bowl. That is a crack pipe. So, no, the Biebs has not taken up horticulture as a hobby.

And I can not tell a lie. My heart swelled with glee at first sight of this picture. I would like nothing more than to report to you that Justin Bieber is now a big crack whore. But it is simply not so, gloryhole readers. :( That's the first emoticon I've ever used in my entire life, btw. I think their use should be limited to 12-year-old girls and the mentally disabled; but I felt the disappointment of the Biebs not becoming a crack whore called for a frowny face.

Anyway...

Justin Bieber was photographed while he was filming an episode of CSI. He plays a high school drop-out turned drug addict. Then... I don't know... he probably gets raped or kills a hooker or something... Isn't that what happens on every episode of CSI? I just hope his hair doesn't get pushed back away from his forehead. Now, that really would be a crime!

His appearance on CSI also explains this leaked photo of the Biebs in invisible handcuffs from last week.



Invisible handcuffs!?! Who in the fuck arrested him!?! Wonder Woman?

We Need This Like We Need Another Fucking Hole In The Head!!!

Long Island Lolita, Amy Fisher, has finalized a deal with Dreamzone Entertainment to star in four adult films before the end of 2011.

I guess it's only fair turn-around that someone finally gets to shoot Amy Fisher in the face!


FYI... For those of you who may not get these jokes, Amy Fisher was convicted in 1992 for shooting Joey Buttafuoco's wife, Mary Anne, in the face.

Here, watch! It's hysterical!


Oh, and a little side-note... Amy Fisher is now a mother of 3! Yeah... I said, "a mother of 3."

Is Lady Gaga Involved In A Case of International Espionage!?!

Private First Class, Bradley Manning is currently awaiting court martial for being responsible for one of the biggest leaks in US military history.

Bradley Manning, a 22-year-old US intelligence analyst stationed on a base near Baghdad, has been accused of leaking more than 850,000 pages of secret military documents to a whistleblower website, Wikileaks. These secret military documents were then made public to any and all US enemies over the Internet.

Manning claims he collected the secret information by pretending to listen to Lady Gaga CDs. He pretended to lip sync and hum along while he transferred the thousands of documents onto blank discs that were labeled "Lady Gaga Music."

When asked for comment, military officials stated that they, indeed, were not able to read his "pa-pa-pa-pa-poker face."

You know, this incident only further supports my stance on The "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" Policy. If that had been a gay sitting at his computer claiming to be listening and singing along to Lady Gaga, you can damn well be sure that HE WAS LISTENING AND SINGING ALONG TO LADY GAGA!!! He probably would have also danced around a little, and our national secrets would be safe right now, citizens! Serves you right, America! Serves you fucking right!

The 2010 "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" Award

Oksana Could Learn A Thing Or Two From Florence Jean Castleberry!!!

What would Flo tell Mel if he yelled that her boobies were big? Or if he felt she was too friendly with a gardner? Or if he wanted a blowjob in the hot tub?

Oksana, always look to classic 1970s television as your guide.

Obama Finally Addresses The Nation's Most Annoying Public Nuisance... Elisabeth Hasselbeck!

Guess who's dropping by to chat it up with the ladies from "The View"? Well, isn't it obvious? It's our Commander in Chief, Barack Obama.

Although several have made appearances on late night television, Obama will go down in history as the first sitting president to have ever appeared on a daytime talk show. Good get, Barbwa!

He will be appearing on Thursday's episode... probably in between a 10-year-old tight rope walker and a man who makes flower arrangements from fruit. Barbwa will also be in attendance, her first since her heart surgery in May.

He plans on discussing the oil spill in the Gulf and what's really being done about our struggling economy.

Oooooh... I bet Hasselbeck is simply twitching in anticipation!

How fabulous would it be to see a split-screen argument between Obama and Hasselbeck, much like that of the Rosie vs. Elisabeth split-screen.

This truly could be our opportunity to get rid of her! Barbwa's not going to put up with a "Survivor" contestant disrespecting our nation's leader. Well... maybe if she had won... but she didn't even win, for Christ's sake!

I hope that whore isn't all well-behaved and quiet like she is when Michelle co-hosts. I want to see a smack-down... which ultimately results in Hasselbeck's termination, of course... but I definitely need an Obama/Hasselbeck smack-down in my life!

Uuurrrgh! As much as I hate "The View," I guess I have to watch. Or maybe, I'll just catch the highlights with Joel McHale on "Talk Soup" later that evening. Nah, even if there's no actual smack-down (sigh), I have to experience the uncomfortable tension for myself. I have to watch as Hasselbeck struggles to hold her tongue while Barbwa leers from across the table.

How much you want to bet that Whoopi asks the Prez something about medicinal marijuana? Then, they'll exchange that look that only black people can do. Just sayin'...

Jesus Says, "Shhhhhh."

The Vatican Press recently published a children's book penned by none other than Pope Benedict XVI, himself! It's called Gli Amici di Gesu (The Friends of Jesus); and it's all about how little boys and girls who want to get into heaven need to learn to keep their big, fucking mouths shut!

Wonder if it's going to make Oprah's Book Club?